They are everywhere. You know the ones. “I hate Twitter,” they say. When asked why, their response is usually, “It sucks”, “I can’t use it” or “I have no friends.” Okay, so I haven’t heard that last one from anyone, but sometimes you have to read between the lines. To preface this blog (although it is a bit late, I have started the blog and the preface usually goes before the blog, oh well, call it ‘bloggers’ licence’) I should say that I am a fan of Twitter.  But I will be the first to admit that Twitter has a dark side. The side that fuels the haters’… well, hatred. So without further ado, The Dark Side of Twitter:  Those who don’t deserve their tweeting rights.

1. Emo Twitterers.

Offence: Being ultra ‘emo’ in their chronically depressing tweets. This may include tweeting about having no friends (which is redundant because if the offenders have no friends, then no one will read their tweets anyway).

Example: “so lonely, why so lonely, everyone hates me, i will eat a worm.” or “WHY DO YOU ALL HATE ME???”

Sentence: First offence: A stern warning, and a reminder that they have a phone and a life outside of the internet. Further offences: Stripped of their Twitter account and Facebook. They can keep their myspace because apparently nobody uses that anymore.

2. Notusingspacebarintheirposttobehilarious

Offence: Not using space bar in their post to be hilarious. This isn’t funny and never will be.

Example: “hahahahbythetimeyoureadthistweetyouwillrealisethatitsaysnothingofgreatimportancelololol!!!!1

Sentence: First offence: 100 negative @replies. Further Offences: The tag #(username)iscompletelyunfunny in Trending Topics.

3. Capitalising Every Word For No Reason At all

Offence: Chronic use of the Capital Letter. Why, people!? There is no reason. Unless you have a malfunctioning Shift button.

Example: Right Now I Am Like Watching This Awesome Movie Called Twilight With This Like Hot Shiny Vampire Guy.

First Offence: Mailed a copy of ‘Puctuation: Use it.’ Further Offences: Smacked in the face with said book and forced to watch the Twilight Movie for the rest of eternity, over and over.

4. General Spelling and Grammar Fails.

Offence: Mislpelt words, incorrect uses of certain words, etc.

Example: OMG, I love Vamrpies!! there so cool! I want ot merry won. four ever.

First Offence: Given a dictionary of the English Language. Further offences: Said dictionary thrown at offender, whose Twitter Account is frozen forever and studied in Public Highschools as a terrible example of writing.

5. Tweeting about generally boring things.

Offence: This one has a few exceptions. For example, if you are a celebrity, then yes, yes some people may like to know that you are brushing your teeth. And for everybody else: every once in a while, it might be acceptable to let us know that you overslept. But if you tweet about nothing other than the fact that you just ate a sandwich, well I hate to admit it, but yes, you are a very boring person. Throw in an interesting quote once in a while (Please though, nothing from Love Story by Taylor Swift. We all know the lyrics okay…), or perhaps an interesting thought, or something funny that happened to you… Like you read this and realised that you are boring.

Example:

Tuesday 7:30 pm: Just brushing my teeth.

Wednesday 7:30 pm: My Teeth are being brushed.

First offence: A subtle hint and a link to this blog. Further offences: Obviously you need more drama in your life. Go watch the Bold and The Beautiful for 48 hours straight.

And Lastly: Overuse of Twitter.

Offence: Tweeting every 2 seconds. Really, show us all that you have a life outside of the internet please… Or go get one. (This is often affiliated with the last offence, boring tweets)

Example:

Monday: 12:04 pm: Sitting in a lecture, writing stuff

Monday 12:05 pm: Lecturer Sneezed

Monday 12:06 pm: … Talk to me someone i am bored

Monday 12:07pm: No one is on the internet, come on people get a life…

Monday 12:08pm: @robertpatterson you are really shiny. do you sparkle in real life? What would you do if you met buffy?

Monday 12:09pm: Person next to me smells like cheese

Monday 12:10pm: @robertpatterson you would kiss her to death, wouldn’t you???

Sentence: Just leave. Get off Twitter, forever. Please, for all our sakes.

So that is the Dark Side of Twitter. But it has a light side too, like duct tape. As long as you don’t commit these offenses, you won’t get cyber-punched-in-the-face. And if you are a politician, go back to myspace.

UPDATE: Turns out, I have only begun to delve into the horrible depths of Twitter Phailage…Part Two is Here